Thursday, March 24, 2011

Pittsburgh Show and Tell

“Show and Tell – Father Edition” in a private school near Pittsburgh. Fathers such as Brent Johnson, Alexei Kovalev, Mike Comrie, Mario Lemieux, Sergei Gonchar, and Bill Guerin are lined up against the chalkboard as one by one; the students get to show off their dad. Let’s join in half way…

Sara Lemieux: “…she really deserved it. She called me a frog! Anyways after her plastic surgery and her parents’ suing us, my dad had to play hockey again just so I could come here.”

Mario Lemieux: “Uh, honey. Maybe that’s enough sharing for now, k?”

Sara: “But Dadddd, I haven’t told them about when Creepy Crosby moved in!”

Mario: “Do as I say, or you’re moving to Kansas City!”

Sara puts her head down and walks back to her desk slowly.

Teacher: “Okayyyyyy…. How about our new student in class? Viktor Kovalev. Your turn to step up.”

Alexei Kovalev: “You know, he doesn’t have to if he doesn’t feel like it.”

Teacher: “Well, we all have to do things we don’t feel like doing.”

Alexei looks stunned. Recovering, he nods to his son.
Viktor Kovalev falls out of his desk screaming: “Ouch! Owww! My wrist. It’s broken!”

Sergei Gonchar whispering to Bill Guerin: “Just like the Ottawa Senators.”

Teacher: “Looks like we need someone else. Sammy Johnson. Your turn.”

Sammy Johnson climbs out of his desk and walks to the front of the room.
Sammy: “My dad sits on the bench, and whenever he’s not, he’s getting pucks shot by him.”

Brent Johnson (turns beet red): “Buddy, that’s not how we practiced.”

Sammy: “But that’s what that guy said!” (pointing at Guerin).

Guerin hides a smile.
Brent Johnson walks over and one-punches him in the face. “That’s for playing for the Islanders!”

After this is proven true, Bill Guerin and his son are kicked out of the school. Brent Johnson receives no discipline.

Teacher: “Maybe we should end right there today class.”

Students: “Yey!”

As they are packing up Matt Cooke rushes in: “Sorry I’m late.”

Mike Comrie mutters: “Just like your hits.”

Taken aback, Matt Cooke replies: “At least people care about my hits. That’s more than I can I say about your wife’s music.”

Comrie looks at Mario Lemieux: “Is this guy still on our team?”

Cooke responds: “I could ask the same about you!”

Lemieux: “Calm down guys. No one’s getting kicked off the team. Doesn’t matter if your lazy or dirty. We’re a team and we don’t quit on each other. We win as a team and lose as a team—which is just what we’ll do if we see an excellent draft pick coming...

Monday, March 14, 2011

Eastern Conference Surprises

The Eastern Conference has been full of surprises this season. From Kovalchuk’s huge contract and New Jersey’s big turn around in the second half, to significant injuries to Crosby, Savard, and Pacioretty, this season has had its share of twists and turns. For more surprises, real or imagined, keep reading:

Pittsburgh Penguins: The Wilkes-Barre/Scranton team plus Fleury and Letang can actually win a few games. Dwight Schrute approves.

NY Islanders: Tavares hasn’t yet been signed to a monster 30 year contract worth $1 billion.

Ottawa Senators: Are such a horrible team, even “Mr. Anderson” can’t save them. Of course, we all thought that about the Matrix too.

NY Rangers: Tortorella waited throughout all of last season to crush Gaborik’s spirit and render him ineffective. He’s since made up for lost time.

Florida Panthers: Got away with convincing at least one other NHL team that all Nathan Horton needed was good linemates.

Tampa Bay Lightning: Got away with convincing everyone that that Stamkos guy is just really their GM in makeup.

Boston Bruins: Chara isn’t the big lovable Slovak teddy bear we all thought he was.

Carolina Hurricanes: Their captain gives prideful Toronto a spoonful of hockey market comeuppance by picking Kessel last at the All Star game.

Washington Capitals: Their captain learns defense, but forgets how to score goals.

Buffalo Sabres: An owner that actually spent his own money to buy the team. What a novelty!

Atlanta Thrashers: Their still in Georgia.

Montreal Canadiens: Contrary to what their fans thought at the time, they got the Halak trade right, but traded the wrong Kostitsyn.

New Jersey Devils: They ruined a very good chance of drafting in the top 3 this summer with MacLean coaching. And they got rid of him why?

Toronto Maple Leafs: Finally traded Kaberle to one of the only teams he’d go to and got back a king’s ransom. I don’t know, maybe Chiarelli owed Burke one?

Philadelphia Flyers: It isn’t surprising they’ve traded their first rounder, but it is surprising it was for a 3rd liner on one of the league’s worst teams.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

NHLers Lose Things Too

Joffrey Lupul just had his iPhone returned after he left it in a Toronto taxi. He sent out a tweet on Twitter and his followers were quick to call the taxi company. He isn’t the only NHLer losing things, here are a few of the more noticeable ones.

Mike Fisher: Nashville Home Buyers Guide-- Where else is he going to live in Nashville?

PA Parenteau: His first name-- Really. Come now. He wasn't named after Papa Bear was he?

Sidney Crosby: His memories of the Olympic-winning goal-- Not really that important if he can’t remember his name either.

James Riemer: His fireproof armour-- Because its essential being a Canadian playing net in the frying pan known as Toronto.

Mark Recchi: His typewriter-- He needs it to ‘type’ his ‘letters’ to take to the ‘post office’.

Jeff Skinner: Justin Beiber hair piece-- Without it he can’t complete the transformation into the NHL’s much needed heartthrob.

Cary Price: Halak’s shadow-- Actually he meant to lose it.

Ovechkin and Backstrom: Their mojo-- We’re pretty sure Stamkos and St. Louis stole it.

Paul Bissonnette: His iPhone in the toilet-- What do you expect from Twooping?

Ian White: Himself-- You would too if you were traded from one side of the map to the other this many times in a year...

Matthew Hulsizer: His mind-- Enough said.